So yeah... There's still a breast cancer in my body, and I'm fighting it. I was actually accused of NOT fighting the other night. Not fighting huh?! You think I want to be Vegan?! You call sitting and waiting at Dr's offices, injecting my self with radioactive dyes, spending my weeks researching, reading books on cancer, calling Dr's back, waiting for test results, praying every night, visualizing pac man's eating the cancer in my body any free second I get, getting hypnotized, and signing bilateral mastectomy consent papers NOT fighting? If it isn't, please tell me what fighting is.... Do I need a cancer t shirt or bracelet to prove that I'm fighting? I think not.
Watch out what you say. Please be gentle. I'm hurting inside and out. Please have compassion for me. I'm fragile.
The surgery is scheduled for July 12. I demanded that they make this appt the day after I met with the surgeon. I've tried to move it up because I want to get this show on the road. I want to get this done as soon as possible so that I can get chemotherapy and most likely lose my amazingly, beautiful, thick, shiny hair and possibly get sores in my mouth. Then maybe I'll get radiation therapy because the tumor is about or over 5 cm, but they won't know that until I'm under the knife and my breast tissue is removed during an 8 hour procedure. I don't have the gene, but I'm opting to get both done for symmetry reasons and moreso to lessen the chance of recurrence in the other breast. I'll have to be in the hospital 3 - 4 days away from my 6 month old and 4 year old. As an attached parenting practitioner that in itself is heart wrenching, but I must remember that this is for the better in the long run.
And all of that isn't fighting? I'm certainly not doing this for fun or a hobby. I want to live. I want to live and be healthy for my kids. They make me tick. Well that and tattooing. And you guys... All of you true supporters are truly inspiring and give me hope. The people that are selfless. The people that have supported me and helped me through this journey thus far.
You know who you are. You are truly helping me selflessly on MY terms. I'm eternally grateful for all that you do. The women who pump when they HATE it, but do it because they want to help feed Joslyn human milk because that's what I wanted. The women who are couriers and pick up the milk and bring it to me or other peoples' freezers for storing. To the ladies who bake lactational cookies and send them in the mail to complete strangers in order to boost their milk supply so they can pump additional milk because they're not lactating yet they want to help. To those of you coming to my house and watching my kids or driving them around to where they need to go. To the kind people who have cooked for us using our pain in the ass dietary requirements and bringing us delicious and nutritious food to eat. Thank you to the those of you who are really listening to me when I want to vent about what being diagnosed with cancer makes me feel and give me words of encouragement when it's needed. People who have sent me prayer cards or books to help give me insight in this crazy new life that I've been catapulted into. Folks that have donated their hard earned money as to help our family financially so that I might not have to stress after surgery or during treatment when and if I can't work because my family depends on my income to sustain this household. THANK YOU ALL.
It's odd how cancer can make you so grateful.
You all know that I'm fighting. I have a passion for life. However many ups or downs, I'm enjoying my time here. Especially now. I cherish every moment with my children through the cries and laughter and maybe not so much through the whining and tantrums. And through the tattoos - the big ones and small ones. I really do love people. I love to laugh and even crying. I love living. Help me live. Join my fight.