So yeah... There's still a breast cancer in my body, and I'm fighting it. I was actually accused of NOT fighting the other night. Not fighting huh?! You think I want to be Vegan?! You call sitting and waiting at Dr's offices, injecting my self with radioactive dyes, spending my weeks researching, reading books on cancer, calling Dr's back, waiting for test results, praying every night, visualizing pac man's eating the cancer in my body any free second I get, getting hypnotized, and signing bilateral mastectomy consent papers NOT fighting? If it isn't, please tell me what fighting is.... Do I need a cancer t shirt or bracelet to prove that I'm fighting? I think not.
Watch out what you say. Please be gentle. I'm hurting inside and out. Please have compassion for me. I'm fragile.
The surgery is scheduled for July 12. I demanded that they make this appt the day after I met with the surgeon. I've tried to move it up because I want to get this show on the road. I want to get this done as soon as possible so that I can get chemotherapy and most likely lose my amazingly, beautiful, thick, shiny hair and possibly get sores in my mouth. Then maybe I'll get radiation therapy because the tumor is about or over 5 cm, but they won't know that until I'm under the knife and my breast tissue is removed during an 8 hour procedure. I don't have the gene, but I'm opting to get both done for symmetry reasons and moreso to lessen the chance of recurrence in the other breast. I'll have to be in the hospital 3 - 4 days away from my 6 month old and 4 year old. As an attached parenting practitioner that in itself is heart wrenching, but I must remember that this is for the better in the long run.
And all of that isn't fighting? I'm certainly not doing this for fun or a hobby. I want to live. I want to live and be healthy for my kids. They make me tick. Well that and tattooing. And you guys... All of you true supporters are truly inspiring and give me hope. The people that are selfless. The people that have supported me and helped me through this journey thus far.
You know who you are. You are truly helping me selflessly on MY terms. I'm eternally grateful for all that you do. The women who pump when they HATE it, but do it because they want to help feed Joslyn human milk because that's what I wanted. The women who are couriers and pick up the milk and bring it to me or other peoples' freezers for storing. To the ladies who bake lactational cookies and send them in the mail to complete strangers in order to boost their milk supply so they can pump additional milk because they're not lactating yet they want to help. To those of you coming to my house and watching my kids or driving them around to where they need to go. To the kind people who have cooked for us using our pain in the ass dietary requirements and bringing us delicious and nutritious food to eat. Thank you to the those of you who are really listening to me when I want to vent about what being diagnosed with cancer makes me feel and give me words of encouragement when it's needed. People who have sent me prayer cards or books to help give me insight in this crazy new life that I've been catapulted into. Folks that have donated their hard earned money as to help our family financially so that I might not have to stress after surgery or during treatment when and if I can't work because my family depends on my income to sustain this household. THANK YOU ALL.
It's odd how cancer can make you so grateful.
You all know that I'm fighting. I have a passion for life. However many ups or downs, I'm enjoying my time here. Especially now. I cherish every moment with my children through the cries and laughter and maybe not so much through the whining and tantrums. And through the tattoos - the big ones and small ones. I really do love people. I love to laugh and even crying. I love living. Help me live. Join my fight.
I want to eviscerate that human. What an ugly soul.
ReplyDeleteSome people should just bite their tongues. Someone says something like that and then tries to back it up with "I didn't' mean it that way" The damage is already done....
DeleteI just burst into tears reading this. I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI have been reading and praying for you. I am far away and not the best baker but if you are up in MA and need rides, babysitting, a place to stay, relax or anything please call me. I can't imagine what you are going through but I can send happy healthy thoughts to you and your family. Our kids are the same age and I just look at my two loves and can't imagine how difficult this is for you. I am thinking and praying a lot for you!
ReplyDeleteTegan, the strength and courage that you have shown during these last few weeks has me inspired and humbled. You are amazing. My prayers for you are continual, prayers that your needs are met, your body is touched by divine healing power, your tears are dried by those who love you most, your fears are calmed, your children are cared for lovingly when you must be separated, your supporters, friends and family continue to fight with you and met every practical need that arises... I pray you see miracles in everyday life and that you would be counted among those miracles. I pray that you would receive as much encouragement, hope, and inspiration that you have so freely shown to the rest of us. I can't pretend to know the reason you are going through this battle, but please know how you have touched me (and I'm sure countless others) by the grace and fortitude you've already shown. Even through your tears and shaking fists at God please know how very much you are loved and that this is battle is just one thread in the amazing tapestry of your life.
ReplyDeleteNot fighting this? We all know that's not true. Please discard any comments like this that come your way and know that they are likely made out of ignorance. Keep up the fight, Tegan. Your children are going to love hearing you tell this story twenty years from now. They are going to know that anything is possible...and it is!
Your a strong person!!! Keep your head up high!! I wish you all the luck in the world!!
ReplyDeleteWow, I'm so so sorry for you that someone would claim you're not fighting. I'm honestly sorry for them as well cause they clearly don't know the first thing about what fighting is. They'll never know how much stronger of a person someone can become through fighting whatever fight it may be for themselves.
ReplyDeleteI could not hold back a single tear while reading this. I wish there was more I could do but everything I can do, I'm working to get done for you. My etsy shop will hopefully be up soon with a line of items going 100% of profit to you. Im also in the works with doing a fundraiser at my job where flyers get out and you'll get X amount of whatever the total of all bills are @ the end of the night (if that made sense).
I am constantly keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!
KEEP FIGHTING!!
Totally makes sense! Thank you, Caitlyn. That's awesome. Please let me know what night, and I can tweet, blog, etc about it to get more people to come out.
DeleteI can only hope that whoever told you that you *weren't* fighting is a completely delusional human being. You are an amazing woman, mom, artist, and cancer FIGHTER. I've never seen someone fight harder for their future and it chaps my ass that anyone would say that to you!
ReplyDeleteI don't have to say "be strong" because you ARE strong, so just STAY strong! :) And know that you are being lifted up in prayer and good thoughts by many people.
Thinking, praying, glad Paula is helping, she is a fine soul as are you.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry that it was suggested you weren’t fighting. This ranks very high on the ‘thoughtless stuff people say to those dealing with cancer’. You are fighting. Even if you’d decided to abstain from treatment and just do yoga and eat turmeric (as I’ve known people to do) that would still be fighting.
ReplyDeleteCrazy. Well – great post. Cheers to you as you move forward.
That was a pretty thoughtless comment. I think the most memorable I've received was when an ex neighbor marched up very irate to our door, and as he was leaving said to doug and I, " why don't you grow some hair, both of you!" Yes, I was bald at the time due to the second chemo. And yes, I can laugh about it now.
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