Sunday, July 29, 2012

Mastitis again!!!

Well I can't sleep so I might as well update on what's up over here. I have an infection in my left "breast". I brought in a sample to my Dr since I didn't think it looked right. It was cloudy and brownish. She took the tubes out, and a huge gush of fluid came out. It was nasty, and I'd already started a slight fever in the morning before the removal. By the end of the day, I was in misery. I can truly relate to that Stephen King movie after this surgery.

It's been hellish, yet I can find happiness in the little things like my children cuddling me or filing at me, laughing with me, etc. Thanks you to all of you who helped me this week with everything. To all of you who can't be here and want to help, please donate to our fundraiser, make a meal, or gift us with a Wholefoods gift certificate. Here's the link, You can even buy a cool necklace on there to help support my battle and join our tribe.

We're hoping I can work in the fall, but we need help. We're trying to find assistance through charities, but we've found the assistance isn't very much if you get approved. I want to start a local charity when this is over to benefit local people to get a good sum of money to pay their bills, rent, food and not just one utility bill once a year. I hate to complain, but I just hope the money that people that donate to charities actually know that their money goes towards helping people and not the people at the to of the charities. There's so much corruption especially in the larger charities, the CEO's driving extremely fancy cars and making 6 figures. I will post info on that later. It's driving my blood pressure up. My advice is give to where you know your money will be used to it's best advantage like someone you actually know or do you research. I'm pretty sure non profit's have to post what their top exec's make, and it's staggering.

I'm hoping to keep the pain and anxiety under control so that I might heal. I'm now on a z pack to help with the infection. Please pray that it works. I can't start chemo until I'm fully healed. I've been using aromatherapy, Rescue Remedy, breathing exercises, meditation usually from guided ones on, supplements, and drugs. I'm going to keep on top of it so I can live a calm existence to promote healing.

If any of my female friends can get away at night to watch a movie or something, that would be great. Or even during the day. Just saying... I have so many Dr appt's, but only one this week so far. Company is my best medicine. I feel pretty lonely at times. My MIL is working hard to take care of the kids and the house and hubby works so I have a lot of time by myself.

The Dr I'm seeing Monday uses nutrition and supplements to help kill cancer and help with the side effects of chemo. I'm so happy to meet someone and speak with them instead of just reading books and watching documentaries on what I should consume. Although I must be doing something right since I lost 20 lbs since June 6, 2012, my diagnosis date.

The stress is the main thing I need to get under control because I've been told that all other efforts are negated if you're under too much stress. Over and out...

Sunday, July 22, 2012


It's insane that my son has been doing more yoga than I have these days.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Lots of time to sketch in waiting areas for appts. Chemo will be much longer so perhaps I can bring multimedia...

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The puzzle

Some people wonder why I blog, and I know it annoys those people too. Well too bad. I've always had a lot of emotions to get out of my head, but I don't come from a family of talkers. I've always written in a journal to get it out of my head. Or I draw, paint, collage, write poetry.... Whatever.
Most people find it easier to forget the past without ever addressing it. Just move on without confrontation. That is a problem for me. I even have a problem moving on after it's been addressed because I'm so scarred inside. I had a lot of trauma as a child and consequently depression throughout my adulthood. I'm a sensitive flower. I require a lot of love, pats on the backs, and reassurance.... Constantly.
Through my battle with its ups and downs, I'll be nice or a total bitch. I'll be funny and sad. I want to be happy and laugh, but that's not possible all of the time. Help keep me happy and sad when I'm angry and sad. That's the test. I'm trying, but I need help.
I felt good to address some terrible things the other day. Albeit a horrible time to do so, but when is a good time really? Now I can move on and let go of the past.
I'm going to work real hard so that my kids won't have to go through that. That's why I'm trying to be very honest with my son about what's going on right now in terms that he can hopefully understand My daughter is too young to fill in, but I have this innate sense that she understands. She's been great through the whole process even though she was so attached to me. I want them to be able to work through this, and move on once we've obliterated the cancer from my body, and I'm healthy again.
The pathology report can't come soon enough. It's another nail biter to see if we have 'clear margins' and the size of the mass. The size will determine if Radiation is also required. Clear margins means that the tissue around what was taken out haclad layer of healthy cells, and the cancer didn't span beyond the mastectomy. More waiting.
Let us pray, folks. This is another important piece of the puzzle so we can move on to the next piece.

Friday, July 13, 2012

F#ck cancer

This is the first picture of me without my breasts. They served me well for 34 years. They were multi-purposeful. They had an adventurous fulfilling life.

In my youngers years, they seemed to attract the eyes of people so much that they would shift stares from my eyes to my breast repeatedly. In middle school, annoying hormonal boys would taunt me because I had a well endowed chest. Then were pierced at age 17 illegally.
In my early twenties they saw many a nude beach in the Virgin Islands. They were drawn by aspiring figure artists to help pay for my own figure drawing group dues. They were artfully photographed, framed, and displayed in an art show in Portland, ME.
In my mid twenties, they were tattooed with Oni Japanses masks. The clothed, tattooed breasts were in featured in many tattoo magazines
to model the beautiful artwork.
Then in my thirties, they were used to feed my babies. They fed those babies well. Lactation was one things those breasts were great at. But the cancer grew in the right one, and I opted to take them both together for symmetry purpose and less of a chance for growing the cancer in the other side. They would go together like Thelma and Louise.

Thelma: Let's keep goin'!
Louise: What d'you mean?
Thelma: Go. [nods ahead of them]
Louise: You sure?
Thelma: Yeah.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

My adventure

While pondering my cancer eviction plan, for some reason I think about those "choose your own adventure" books I read as a child. Remember those? I loved reading those books when I was a kid. I loved making them last as long as possible. There's never one single solution in life. There are many answers. It's time to chose my adventure, but I can't turn the pages back once a decision I'd made. Now I just have to figure out the best possible choices to extend my life.

Many times I've questioned the plan. Regardless we're sticking to it. The cancer is aggressive and it's a triple negative cancer so only chemo and or radiation will kill it. That means no other medicines or treatments have been developed to kill this type of cancer. We're going to beat this bitch the conventional way and seal the eviction notice with a strict diet, meditation and some hard core praying.


My first instinct about diet was to go completely vegan. I'd recently seen "Forks with Knives" and for some reason just knew that cutting out all animal products was a good idea. Of course all organic food would be consumed. Sugar and gluten are no no's. Little did I know that fruit would also need to be cut, and no salt too. I have to eat as much raw foods, about 50- 80%, and as little oil as possible. Only cold pressed oils such as olive oil, flax, and coconut. It's time consuming cooking raw and sprouting. Its best to eat to order and not have raw food leftovers. It oxidizes and just gets gross so you prepare each meal to order. No to mention the clean up is a chore in itself because you're using a juicer, food processors, food mill, blender, immersion blender, julienne slicer, etc etc.

This diet is difficult and boring at times. It's certainly not satisfying in a comforting way. Not one bit. But it's healthy, and it will be good for my body to detox. In one month, I lost 16 lbs. If I was detoxed then perhaps these cells wouldn't have gone awry and became cancer in the first place.

The diet might change during chemotherapy, therefore I plan to see a naturopathic Dr asap so I can conspire about the cancer evicting diet during chemo. It might change as I research more. Time will tell. I need someone to test my blood and see what I need to fix. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated for local to South Jersey, Princeton area, Philly or Pa.

Let's clear up what I do eat because some people don't know. If it's green, I eat it. Beans, nuts, and most vegetables. Whole grains like Brown rice and quinoa although I have to limit those. Sprouted seeds and beans. Salads and vegetable juices are my best friends.

These are the most difficult decisions that I've been faced with my entire life. Even though I second guess myself, I think my mind is made up; Surgery in 3 days. Chemo in 4 weeks for 16 weeks. Then possible radiation after that. Reconstruction after it's all said and done.

I'm going to beat this and see my kids grow up. The fun has just begun with my family. It's time to turn the page onto the next chapter.