Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The puzzle

Some people wonder why I blog, and I know it annoys those people too. Well too bad. I've always had a lot of emotions to get out of my head, but I don't come from a family of talkers. I've always written in a journal to get it out of my head. Or I draw, paint, collage, write poetry.... Whatever.
Most people find it easier to forget the past without ever addressing it. Just move on without confrontation. That is a problem for me. I even have a problem moving on after it's been addressed because I'm so scarred inside. I had a lot of trauma as a child and consequently depression throughout my adulthood. I'm a sensitive flower. I require a lot of love, pats on the backs, and reassurance.... Constantly.
Through my battle with its ups and downs, I'll be nice or a total bitch. I'll be funny and sad. I want to be happy and laugh, but that's not possible all of the time. Help keep me happy and sad when I'm angry and sad. That's the test. I'm trying, but I need help.
I felt good to address some terrible things the other day. Albeit a horrible time to do so, but when is a good time really? Now I can move on and let go of the past.
I'm going to work real hard so that my kids won't have to go through that. That's why I'm trying to be very honest with my son about what's going on right now in terms that he can hopefully understand My daughter is too young to fill in, but I have this innate sense that she understands. She's been great through the whole process even though she was so attached to me. I want them to be able to work through this, and move on once we've obliterated the cancer from my body, and I'm healthy again.
The pathology report can't come soon enough. It's another nail biter to see if we have 'clear margins' and the size of the mass. The size will determine if Radiation is also required. Clear margins means that the tissue around what was taken out haclad layer of healthy cells, and the cancer didn't span beyond the mastectomy. More waiting.
Let us pray, folks. This is another important piece of the puzzle so we can move on to the next piece.


  1. Omg we are so much the same. I wish I had the skill to write because I would.

  2. The waiting is the hardest part, Tegan. I remember that part clearly. I wrote on FB all the time. I get it. It helps, so keep doing it. No one knows what you need better than you do. The results will be back before you know it, although it won't seem like that now. Your margins will be clear. And you're going to be stronger and healthier than you were before after all of this.
    Big hugs and lots of love to you from me. :)Em

  3. Tegan I'm glad your doing this blog,it is going to be so theraputic to you.When I got sick some people told me to blog as I am like you with a lot of emotion and needing reassurance and all of it,but sadly I kept wondering what would people think?or why would they care to hear about my life?BIG mistake because for all that myself and my family went through we had little to no support and I can't remember four years of my life and the events that took place.You have inspired me in a way i cannot express,and like you I must break a cycle for my children,I think I will start now by blogging,who gives a shit about the people who don't want to best-THEN DON'T LISTEN-bright blessings your gonna kick this things ass because it looks like your Passion for irraticating this is as true to you as your art work and that says A LOT!KEEP SHINING GIRL!

  4. I getcha with the blogging - it's just such a source of relief! Sometimes we have to share, somehow/someway to let the emotions go. This blog is ultimately for you, so if others can't handle it then the simply shouldn't be reading. Plus, it's a fantastic way of getting support. We all need pats on the back sometimes.

    Hoping those margins are totally clear.