Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Case of the Mondays

A week and a half ago was chemo treatment 3/8. 3 out of 4 Acdromycin/Cytoxan treatments, the bad ass infusions. Only one more AC, and then Taxol four times. Chemo sucks. At the thought of it, I get nauseous.

On that last chemo Monday the first nurse couldn't find a vein. I'll learn to stop someone before they stick me if they say something negative about my veins like, "You have slim pickens." Next time I know. It's questionable if my veins are going to make it until the end before I need a port. Perhaps those physical therapy exercises will come in handy to pump them up. They can only stick the left side since the cancer was in the right, and they removed a lymph node a week after the diagnosis for dissection. I didn't want the commitment of a port, but your veins start to retract once you start pumping them with these infusions. The thought of this isn't very pleasing. I have a bruise where they got me last week. That can't be good.

The battle with side effects is driving me nuts. At this point, the hair loss is nothing. The medicine destroys fast growing cells such as cancer, but the whole GI tract from mouth to the bottom can be wreaked in havoc. You will be spared the gruesome details, but let it be known that it's been painful, uncomfortable, and almost unbearable. I was crawling out of my own skin on Monday, the other day. It doesn't help that I contracted a stomach bug for two days of living hell.

Nail growth is at a stand still. They're soft and peeling at the ends. My thumbs are beginning to turn black at the base of the nail. I keep them painted in hopes that no one will see and preserving what's left. They're soft and tender, and they keep on creeping shorter and shorter each day. Gone are the days of strong, long pregnancy nails.

Thankfully I haven't lost taste like most people do. The diet hasn't been my top priority. My body is so uncomfortable that I find solace in food. Eating something that tastes good gives me comfort and a moment of happiness when my body isn't feeling so hot. Green, raw foods don't bring me to that happy place. I thought I would be spared the mouth sores, but I just discovered two in my mouth minutes ago. This could effect the taste, and this could be bad.

It's weird when your mind doesn't sync with your body. You have a list of errands, a thousand things to do because you have a baby and a preschooler, but you're too nauseous to accomplish them. You want to go to work because you love what you, have a list of clients to tattoo, and need to make money to help support your family, but you can't leave the bathroom. Your baby is crying, your son wants lunch and your so unbelievably itchy that you want to scream the F word as loud as you can. Welcome to my world.

Then a good day will come. I woke up and did 1000 things because the baby actually slept 9 consecutive hours so that means I got 8. The chemo fog had lifted so I cleaned, ran around doing errands, cooked dinner for friends, and went to my son's parent teacher night. True happiness and genuine smiles were spread across my face because I was at the bottom of a swamp only two days ago. I can appreciate a day like today because I felt so.... normal.

1 comment:

  1. There is NO ONE more fearless, & courageous than you. Look at how far you have come despite such a grueling path. You are a true warrior, & will kick this cancer's ass. Keep doing what makes you comfortable and happy; it's what your body needs right now. I'm incredibly proud of you, & am praying for you. Be kind to yourself on those days that you need it most. Hang in there, you & miss you.