Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Surgery revisited

It's odd how one day you can feel so positive and then the next day a huge wave of sorrow comes crashing down upon you. Welcome to yesterday - a day of sadness, disappointment, and setbacks. A diversion from my great plan that was going so well after the infection had cleared up. I'd adopted a new perspective coming from the depths of bottoming out. For awhile I was on a pink cloud, floating and loving life and enjoying the little things.

The night before I had broken sleep, and I woke up every hour sweating and anxious. Then the morning came. I couldn't find anything. Everyone annoyed me. Perhaps it was some kind of psychic premonition tickling my senses. Something just wasn't right.

It took forever to get ready to take Talon to school. Then when I finally got into the car, I dropped my phone into a fresh vat of vegetable juice with beets. The bloody colored juice sprayed every where, and it appeared as if a gunshot had gone off, killing someone in its path. It stained the whitish grey clothes I wore, me hands, the car, and various other items in the mess called my car. I hope no one noticed that I looked like a violent murderer while I dropped my son off to his hippie school.

Afterwards I got gas, and I even made it to my appointment only 5 minutes late. Things were looking better. My phone even still worked.

The nurse got the saline injections ready to pump my fake breasts up another size. Then the Dr came in unfashionably late over an hour, examined the incision, and broke me the bad news. He mentioned that the expander was exposed and now "colonized" because it was in contact with the air. Well duh.... It was like that a month ago?! What had changed?? The nurses even brought it up to me then. He said, "Yeah but there was a stitch in it."

So.... It didn't count when it touched the air 4 weeks ago? Perhaps you were overbooked and too busy to remember that was a problem and preferred to make me wait 6 weeks to break my bad news and set me back further in my treatment. Perhaps you should spend more than one day in the office with patients so that you can give them the care and compassion they deserve? Or perhaps you're sick of your job and have to keep doing to pay for your extravagant lifestyle - the Prada shoes you wear at office visits gives that away. Why did he approve me two weeks ago to start chemo if the expander was showing all this time?

He said that we had to remove the tissue expander as I lay there on the examination table with my shirt off, my nippleless mounds exposed. I put my hands over my eyes and sobbed uncontrollably. He silently fumbled for a box of tissues and gave me a tissue. I didn't feel much compassion from him... as usual. But I will let him remove this implant. Then it's over.

Dear Dr, You're fired after your remove the damn thing tomorrow. It's not me, it's you. You've had more than enough chances. Good riddance.

Now I'll be flat on one side. As if I wasn/t already challenged with my new self identity with small, nippleless, scarred, wannabe breasts. Now I will become accustomed to one flat and one round bump on my chest. I won't be able to do chemo for some time again. I won't be able to work or hold my baby, drive, or tattoo.... again. I try to be strong like everyone suggests, but it's so hard when I keep getting slapped in the face.


  1. I am so, so sorry that you have endured all that you have. I am relieved that you are going to change paths. A new beginning will get you back on course faster & safer; that's what you need most. This situation is absolutely inexcusable, and is NOT YOUR FAULT. I'm keeping you in my prayers as always to give you strength to get through the day. Hang in there. You know where to find me if you need me.

  2. this is so that mother fucker fire him and tell him why...
    love you

  3. There is nothing worse than incompetent Doctors. For some reason they feel as though they have the right to jerk patients around without recourse. I would certainly look into filing a formal complaint with the hospital he is working out of. I've done a few in my days, so at least I can feel our voice was heard and let the hospital know that their affiliations affect their reputation, and that the mistreatment of patients is bottom line unacceptable. I can't explain how sorry I am you are having to endure this extra stress due to someone else's lack of professionalism, concern, and courtesy. I know it feels like you are only going backwards, but press on and keep looking to the future. You are strong, you are beautiful, you will persevere. This is your mantra!

  4. Immensely frustrating and I'm so sorry to hear you've not received the care you needed. Being strong comes in waves, as you've mentioned with your mood change . . . and sometimes we need a damn good cry before getting back up. Just take your time.


  5. Yes,get another doctor Tegan.Most of them are wonderful and compassionate,mine is great (although she's busy and blunt )she is very competent.You have the right to ask for another one. love you xxx
    Ms Rat

  6. I would file a complaint with either the hospital he's associated with, the medical board or both. That kind of thing is inexcusable. How is it okay with a stitch and a little air touching it but now that there's no stitch it's not okay. I can't stand doctors who don't read charts or pay attention to their patients. We're human beings not insurance numbers you can file to bump up your paycheck. I hope the next doctor you get is world class and treats you like gold!

  7. I smiled when you said your Dr. was deserve deserve the best! FIRE HIS ASS......find a Dr. that is attentive, caring and is aware of your body and it's medical needs!!!!! Hang in there, find peace today and the days to come.

  8. Deary me! Let me know if you want/need help navigating a complaint - or doing some background checking on a list of new providers to narrow down a better one.
    Your strength and resilience is amazing!

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