If you didn't know, 3/3/13 was Triple negative breast cancer day. That was the type of cancer in my right mammary. The bad ass kind. The kind they know nothing about, but they're doing more and more
research. Despite my effort not to think about it, it consumes my brain throughout the day regardless if the day commemorates it or not.
Let me tell you what I think about cancer throughout the day every single day. Mostly I think, "fuck you cancer!" Sometimes "why me?" I wonder how I got it in the first place- karma, the environment, smoking, alcohol, sweets, sexual behavior, negative thinking, aspartame, Splenda, salt, drugs, new car smell, vaccinations, BPA, not being breast fed, dairy, too much meat eating, MSG, carcinogens at work, getting tattooed, subpar drinking water, living in NJ, cell phone usage and on and on. I don't know why I keep revisiting those thoughts, but it's tough not to.
The reality is there isn't an answer for that except it isn't genetic. Tests proved that. I'm just the unlucky one that had the displeasure of joining a club that no one wants to join. The cancer club.
Perhaps when my hair grows back a bit more and I finish reconstruction, things will be different. I can't wait to have a new normal beyond chemo and reconstruction. I never thought much of cancer until 6/6/12 when the dr spoke those words on the phone to me. "Tegan... I have bad news. You have breast cancer. " The day that I don't think about cancer once, will be a joyous day. With that being said, it may never happen. Cancer touches everyone and will soon beat out heart disease as the number one killer in the United States.
Before the diagnosis, thoughts of mortality rarely traveled through my mind. I never thought that my own death bothered me, but now I was scared as hell since I have kids. The reality has set in. Wow... Some day I really will die.
Hence a different perspective has shifted. Music sounds better. The sky is more blue. The simple things are highly appreciated. I cherish moments even more with people I love. Happy is happier. The gratitude I feel for every blessing in life is bigger and comes from a greater depth in my heart. I've always been emotional and introspective, and now that's heightened.
As we get closer to my next surgery on Friday, March 8, the nervousness creeps in. The anxiety of anestethia for the fifth time in less than a year isn't extremely appealing. The impending discomfort is unnerving. Yet it's a step closer to putting closure on this chapter in my life.
