Monday, June 24, 2013

The new girls

The last surgery was on June 14. My surgeon swapped out the tissue expanders for Silcone Memory gel shaped implants. They're supposed to be more natural looking then other options.  They've been in the US for a year and Europe for about 10.  i chose those ones over the saline becayse they look way more natural.  It's not the same as just getting a normal boob job.  You have nearly zero tissue left there so all you see is the implant.  Saline are very rippled and so are some silicone ones.  Memory gel are better and this textured, memory gel silicone memory gel shaped ones are the best out now. I hope when I get them replaced in 10-15 years, they have even better ones.  My doctor went for an oval shape with medium projection.  They're not the real thing, but hey they're pretty awesome and way better than nothing.  I had one fake boob for awhile and nothing on the other side.  I've practically had it all- none, itty bitty, large, extra large...  Now I have a perfect set of Tatas with clothes on anyway.  

Healing went well. He used vertical incisions, which kind of threw me for a loop, especially since he cut into my tattoos. I was pretty keen on NOT cutting into them and saving what I had there to feel pretty since my nipples are gone. We briefly discussed some nipple reconstruction details, but I'd have to get more surgeries and tattoo removal since he said that nipple recon was sort of like "skin origami". So if I went that route, I'd have to get my chest tattoos lasered then covered up with something else. It sounds pretty expensive to me. Insurance has to cover the charge of breast and nipple reconstruction for breast cancer patients for life by law, but tattoo removal wouldn't be covered nor would the new tattooing. Decisions, decisions. Although the nipples are purely aesthetic, I yearn to have a normal looking chest again. 

That's all cosmetic stuff, which isn't too important to me. As long as the cancer doesn't come back, I'm good!  Heck even if it does come back, I'll fight like a warrior again.  But its not coming back!

 Despite the lingering effects of chemo, I continue on with my life.  Oh wait you didn't know that there were lingering effects?  Well the toxins can still be in my body for up to a year.  Chemo causes brain damage.   I have short term memory loss.  I screw up my schedule.  I can't remember words.  Instantly a thought will come, and it slips my mind.  My once straight and silky hair has come back as curly as a poodles.  I hope that it will come back as beautiful as it once was or I can learn to manage it.  It's also not coming in as fast in the front so I have a mullet starting to grow.  But hey.....  Those are little things, and the little things don't matter.....  Remember, it's all little.  

   Letting go of the past and things that we cannot change has been my mission. That's a difficult task for me especially since I had such a traumatic childhood. The memories haunt me as an adult. In fact,  scientists are linking the Triple Negative Breast Cancer to social stress and especially childhood trauma. I'm working on stopping negative cycles, thinking and anger. Let's see how it goes once I'm finally off of the antidepressant that also worked to stop hot flashes from amenopause from chemo. Cancer can be depressing!  I'll hopefully be done weaning at the end of the month.  Watch out world, here I come. 

Life is good. Things are more normal here.  They're a new normal.  Yet I try not to let anything bother me.  Even though it still does, but I'm working on that too.


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