Life after treatment

It's a month and a half out from my last chemo. I feel amazing. Hair is growing fast. My nails are getting stronger, and the black line in the middle of my thumb is beginning to grow out. My chemo brain is starting to go away, but there are still moments where I completely forget what I was going to do. I think people do this all of the time anyway.

The main focus of life without cancer is maintaining health. To help prevent the cancer it from coming back, I have to be a good girl. This means living stress free, exercising regularly, having a plant based diet, and no more than one drink a day.

And no... I can't save the drinks up like I'd hoped... More than one drink a day increases your risk of recurrence. Being alive is better than an alcoholic buzz.

I continue to see the Integrative Medicine doctor and take an arsenal of supplements. I'll be seeing my oncologist next week for a post chemo follow up. I'll also be getting presurgical testing next week in preparation for surgery on March 8.

I've been working out with a trainer. She wants tattoos, and I want to get into shape. It's a match made in barter heaven. There are limitations since I have an expander in. I can't do anything strenuous on the chest, and cardio is limited to low impact exercises. Despite that, it's still working. I can barely walk up and down the stairs today. She kicked my ass yesterday.

My diet has changed from the see-food diet to plant based again. I've been slowly switching over since treatment finished. I enjoy cooking so veganism is fun for me. It's a challenge when you want something in a pinch, though. My goal is 80%. If I do 100% then I exceed my expectations. So far so good, though.

People often ask me about when I get my scan to see if I'm clear. Well they don't do it. The drs are confident that they got it all with surgery. They think that the chemo would've shrunk any microscopic pieces that they didn't pick up from the initial scans. If they found something, which there are often benign things that come up from scans, there would be biopsies and lots of stress. Stress is bad. I'm embracing the art of living in the moment and letting go.

I try to think positive and have faith that it IS gone. I've been pretty happy. I love my job, kids, friends, hobbies, laughing, eating, and playing. I love living, and life is grand after going through a year of constant turmoil. The bar has certainly been lowered in a good way. I can appreciate the little things.

True colors

It's been way too long. I got an email that a friend of a friend who was concerned because I hadn't posted recently. I'm A ok despite some personal issues unrelated to my health. Back by popular demand, Tales of a Tattoo Mom continues.

The last chemo treatment was infused on Christmas Eve. It didn't matter to be there on a holiday. I just wanted it done. The nurse had no luck with my left arm and because it was my last chemo and I didn't have nodes removed, she put it in a vein in my right hand. The left arm is toasted from the injections. I looked like a junkie, all bruised with veins creeping away from the skin. They were done and so was I.

Santa really came to our house this year. The kids loved their presents. Thank you all. We really only had a few things from hard sales bought. You made it great! Bless you, Santa's!!

I was so excited New Years to start my new 'normal' life. Of course something happened right after Christmas that put an axe in my heart. I'm moving on from it, although I have some anger every now and then. I'm hurt. Why me? Blah blah blah. But I'm better than that crap, which I won't be airing so you'll never know. It's classic though. Real classy too.

I'm moving on because there is a lot of great things about my life. Despite having cancer, having to stop nursing my baby,
losing my breasts, getting an infection, losing an expander, losing my hair, and being sick and in pain from chemo all of the time, I love my life. My kids are fantastic. My friends and family members have been supportive. Strangers have stepped out of the wood work. Because of the village of helpers, here we are. We didn't lose everything even though I couldn't work. Wow, right?! I'm still in shock.

While there has been a huge outreach, more than I could ever imagine, there's a flip side to that. Where I thought I might have more support or even asked for support from specific people, there has been utter disappointment. Through the crisis, people have shown their true colors to me. A veil has lifted. With that being said, I'm sad about that. However life must go on.

My new 'normal' is happening now. I'm stoked that I'm working two days a week. That seems reasonable to me. I still need to heal and take care of myself and my kids. This aggressive chemo has wracked some havoc on my body. I'm continuing to take supplements and trying to get back on the healthful eating track. Now that I feel good, it's not foods job to do. It's my own. Exercise here we come. Balancing everything is my goal.

There are two more reconstruction surgeries left until I can feel completely "normal" again. The left expander must be put back in. I met with another surgeon who will be taking over the recon job. Then I'll be pumped up to desired size via saline injections to a size bigger, and then swapped out for permanent implants. Then I'm officially done. Until then, I'm counting my blessings..

Wordless

5/8 there

This is temporary. Nothing lasts forever. This is a kind reminder to myself and you too. I'm kind of freaking out right now and hoping to get relief from this roller coaster soon.
The second half of chemo began today. The experienced nurse couldn't successfully get the first IV in. Every time this happens, the tears flow from my sparsely eye lash studded eyes despite the fact that they tear constantly for the past two months. The fear of having an allergic reaction was overwhelming, and my body did react. My arm was red in the hand and veins, there was blotchiness on my palms, and my veins hurt throughout the four hour infusion. I was grateful to have my friend drive me in, and two other wonderful women joined us throughout the day even though the tiredness consumed me. They truly made the long day bearable.
Halloween was postponed until tonight due to an executive order by the governor of NJ due to the hurricane. It was another great distraction to be with good friends and bubbly children. I loved dressing us all up. It was good to be outside for a change especially in such invigorating weather.
When we came home, and things went down hill. My heart has been palpitating or having an odd rhythm, which usually happens from the steroids. Although I'm worried that it could caused by the new Taxol drug. The digestive issues I had tonight were debilitating. I'm anxious, and I can't sleep.
Time to put on the meditation. I have a busy day being a mom, and I'll be exhausted from lack of sleep and chemo. There's so much to do- driving Talon to and from school, drawing, voting, taking poor Precious to the vet. Cooking, cleaning... You know busy mommy suites.
Besides, I have so much work planned this week. Why do I do this to myself? I don't know how my body will react or if I can handle it all because of the new drug. I can only hope that this cold will go away and I won't get the serious, painful side effects. We don't have help this week because my mother in law is away because her family member died of cancer. It's difficult not to feel guilty for being unable to work at my full capacity. I guess I do it because I just want things to be normal even though I must accept my new normal. I haven't gotten there quite yet.

Despite the fears that I've faced today, I've intermittently experienced overwhelming bouts of love and gratitude. The support that my family and I have received, today and in the past - the gifts, the care, the kind words, the amazing out pouring of prayers, positive thoughts, and healing energy directed to us by you. Despite the tragedy of having had breast cancer there has been so much good to come out of this. I'm so lucky to be shown, through my own eyes, the amazing abundance of kindness that man can give. I can do this.

Halfway to the finish line

What a relief that we're done with the red devil, the Adriamycin and Cytoxan. Even though last time I forgot to take my Neulasta shot, which causes your body to produce a surge of white blood cells since the chemo destorys them, the day after last chemo. My body apparently recovered on its own. My white blood cell count was actually higher than the last time I received therapy and took the shot. Now that this stint is done, I can't stand to see any bright red liquids. If you come at me with red Gatorade, Kool Aid or grenadine colored drink, I might commence puking like Regan from the Exorcist. The image of the Adriamycin being slowly pushed into an IV into my arm, haunts me.

Happy Halloween.

Even though Halloween has been rescheduled to Friday due to Hurricane Sandy, we have a lot to celebrate. We lost power for nearly 24 hours, but there was no damage here at the Beyer residence. The kids were going stir crazy, hence we we're going insane. Yet all of the food and breast milk kept well. We were prepared enough. Through my everyday pain from chemotherapy, physical limitations and more pain due to the mastectomy and having an expander in the right side, I still remember what I'm grateful for what I have. I refuse to let the "have not's" consume me especially through times of natural disaster. Other folks weren't so lucky to be left unscathed. Well wishes and safe thoughts to every one out there who has been affected by this tremendous Frankenstorm.

This upcoming Monday, we move on to Taxol for four treatments. It's a long infusion, 240 minutes. We will be at UPenn all day. If anyone is bored and wants to hang out, let me know or I will be forced to spend the whole day with my husband.

I'm nervous about the Taxol. Although I hear that some people don't experience side effects as bad as the AC, I have heard about other women's allergic reactions during infusion. This isn't the usual hives or sneezing. We're talking about anaphylactic shock. Certainly that's one of my greatest fears. Let's hope that I don't have as many side effects. Right now my list of issues is staggering besides battling a sinus infection, coughing, cold thing. Fingers crossed, the show will go on next Monday.

Case of the Mondays

A week and a half ago was chemo treatment 3/8. 3 out of 4 Acdromycin/Cytoxan treatments, the bad ass infusions. Only one more AC, and then Taxol four times. Chemo sucks. At the thought of it, I get nauseous.

On that last chemo Monday the first nurse couldn't find a vein. I'll learn to stop someone before they stick me if they say something negative about my veins like, "You have slim pickens." Next time I know. It's questionable if my veins are going to make it until the end before I need a port. Perhaps those physical therapy exercises will come in handy to pump them up. They can only stick the left side since the cancer was in the right, and they removed a lymph node a week after the diagnosis for dissection. I didn't want the commitment of a port, but your veins start to retract once you start pumping them with these infusions. The thought of this isn't very pleasing. I have a bruise where they got me last week. That can't be good.

The battle with side effects is driving me nuts. At this point, the hair loss is nothing. The medicine destroys fast growing cells such as cancer, but the whole GI tract from mouth to the bottom can be wreaked in havoc. You will be spared the gruesome details, but let it be known that it's been painful, uncomfortable, and almost unbearable. I was crawling out of my own skin on Monday, the other day. It doesn't help that I contracted a stomach bug for two days of living hell.

Nail growth is at a stand still. They're soft and peeling at the ends. My thumbs are beginning to turn black at the base of the nail. I keep them painted in hopes that no one will see and preserving what's left. They're soft and tender, and they keep on creeping shorter and shorter each day. Gone are the days of strong, long pregnancy nails.

Thankfully I haven't lost taste like most people do. The diet hasn't been my top priority. My body is so uncomfortable that I find solace in food. Eating something that tastes good gives me comfort and a moment of happiness when my body isn't feeling so hot. Green, raw foods don't bring me to that happy place. I thought I would be spared the mouth sores, but I just discovered two in my mouth minutes ago. This could effect the taste, and this could be bad.

It's weird when your mind doesn't sync with your body. You have a list of errands, a thousand things to do because you have a baby and a preschooler, but you're too nauseous to accomplish them. You want to go to work because you love what you, have a list of clients to tattoo, and need to make money to help support your family, but you can't leave the bathroom. Your baby is crying, your son wants lunch and your so unbelievably itchy that you want to scream the F word as loud as you can. Welcome to my world.

Then a good day will come. I woke up and did 1000 things because the baby actually slept 9 consecutive hours so that means I got 8. The chemo fog had lifted so I cleaned, ran around doing errands, cooked dinner for friends, and went to my son's parent teacher night. True happiness and genuine smiles were spread across my face because I was at the bottom of a swamp only two days ago. I can appreciate a day like today because I felt so.... normal.

Hair today, Gone tomorrow

We did it. My little friend, Regan, and wonderful hairstylist, Audrey, buzzed the rest of my hair off. Talon had his done first, and then Josh did his afterwards. We spared Joslyn from the shaving party since she already has a short cut. We all match. It was a nice "head shaving party". What a relief since it's been killing me. When you lose your hair from chemo, it hurts. This started happening to me on Sunday. The little kamikaze hairs jumped ship and we're slowly slipping out of the follicules. There was an urge to run my fingers through it to pull it out. It was worse than having a healing, itchy tattoo with flakes of skin coming off of it. It was beyond a tingling, tickling sensation. Now I look like I'm ready for boot camp.

My hair is so thick that no one said they noticed I was losing it, but I can. Normally you wouldn't be able to see my scalp… ever. Not even in a part on my head. That's how much hair I usually have. Now it's Friday, and it's still coming out with a vengeance. It's getting patchy and noticeable so yesterday I got a wig from Martino Cartier Salon in Washington Township, NJ. You might remember that I wrote about him before in a previous blog. He was on Tabitha's Salon Takeover. He started the Friends are by your Side charity that gives hair services, wigs, and extensions to cancer patients. There are approximately 500 participating salon's around the country. He thinks there should be more, and so do I. If you own a salon and want to participate, please go to the link for more information. I love the wig. It's so natural, and now I can rock a feminine look if I want to .

In more hair news, Audrey, the stylist that shaved my head, is running a fundraiser to benefit our family at the salon she works at in Philadelphia called Volume Hair Studio in Rittenhouse Square. She's doing PINK hair extensions in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month, and the proceeds will help to pay off our debt incurred from medical bills and other expenses due to the breast cancer surgery and treatment. Please call ahead to book your appointments She books up fast especially during the weekends.